Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Found the puke drawer
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
