If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
