First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
