Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Everyone says I win the strip club
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
