Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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