I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
the raccoons are back...
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