my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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