If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
