After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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