I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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