I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
