I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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