I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
