so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
