What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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