You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
