Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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