i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
