I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
