I love black thongs
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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