There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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