Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
