ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
