I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I didn't notice because vodka
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
