I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize