fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
