btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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