I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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