Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
