I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
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