wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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