If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
