I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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