He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
