If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
