I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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