You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
