dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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