I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize