I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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