We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
