2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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