I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
