everyone is single if you try hard enough
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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