I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
