May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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