I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
