At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
