Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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