I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
