i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
