sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
